Of daydreams and escapades

My mother have and always been good at smothering me. It’s not often a good thing because I kept having recurring thoughts of how pathetic my life is for being her daughter. But on a second thought, I was grateful for her oppressing way of loving. Not only did I become so grounded about myself but I also learned so much more about the way I should handle difficulties.

I woke up this morning from a very promising dream. It’s very different from the bad dreams I kept having weeks ago. In the dream, I had a career (which was vague, but I seemed so glad I have it), I was working for people who admired me (including few male admirers that I didn’t recognize) and I was just plain I-felt-so-alive happy. I had a rough night that’s why that dream woke me up at the right side of the bed. Although, like any other dreams, it was just that fleeting moment of how my mind shortly relieved itself from being so agitated about the things that happened the night before. Today I thought waking up from a good dream was a good thing, but I guess it wasn’t. So many undesirable words were bombarded on my cell phone the moment I woke up. This is not something I will talk about further but it is something that I want to cleanse away and forget that I ever read such ridiculous things. Being mad because of getting hurt is the worst feeling I ever have to endure. I don’t know why people love inflicting pain towards others and more importantly, why do some of us like inflicting pain to ourselves? Isn’t it a better choice to just be still and stay still rather than speak of things that will just ruin or worsen the whole hopeless situation?

I went under my mother’s sheets just to find solace and company. She was in her deep sleep and I knew I wouldn’t wake her that much because she hasn’t had enough rest. I didn’t foresee how comforting it was to feel her tight arms around my skinniest body. I felt smothered, literally, because she made me her pillow (more like a skeletal log) that she hugs so dearly. She placed the sheet over my head because she said she was cold. Tears came streaming down my cheeks and damped her lavender-scented chest. I never thought that all the anger and pain I have in me would just evaporate into tears, something I didn’t want her to know, but I guess she figured that out in spite of her extreme drowsiness. She hugs and caresses my hair as if to say that everything will be okay.

It’s always a relief to know that you can run to someone who wouldn’t forsake you nor judge you for your actions. And I can’t say fully that mom has never misjudged me, because she has and she always does. But I continue to believe that in times that I needed her most, she’ll be there.  Mom has no idea of what I was going through, but her stillness and presence made me feel so much better that no words can ever suffice.

I think sometimes, we don’t need to talk about what hurts us; we just need to try our best to think rationally and that the pain is just a transitory emotion that we can get over with. What made things better today is I decided to recall the good and happy moments I’ve had in my life—the places I’ve been to, the things I have acquired (although some lost), the people I’ve met and the short moments that I’ve had that made me feel secure and happy. That’s what I love about daydreaming; I get to choose what I want to see and choose to feel differently about reality. A lot of times I wanted to stay in my daydream, I mean, why shouldn’t I? It’s so much beautiful, so safe and so much better; it affects my mood and my choices in real life. I didn’t mean I won’t go out there and do what I want. It’s just that sometimes we need to control our minds into thinking differently about certain situations that we cannot change. And I believe that my happy daydreams helped a lot for me to achieve greater wisdom and forget the things that hurt.

Looking back on the old dark road

There was a period in my life when I thought survival was an impossible route. This was when I was doing an individual thesis almost a year ago. I knew how crucial this was because without it, I would not have graduated on time and it will really suck to graduate with people I barely know. Second sem started around November and it was so important that one should have his/her own topic already. Lucky me, I didn't pursue my initial thesis proposal that I hastily did on my previous semester. I started from scratch; researched, read, wrote, read, prayed, aimlessly stared at the walls, crammed & almost killed myself for not having a decent, pragmatic topic. I came across Buling-buling Festival while I was taking up another major and decided to use it since it's: 1.) Nearby (Pandacan, Manila) 2.) It was interesting because I was a festival-virgin, I never attended any sort of dance ritual in my life. 3.) Lots of other PhilArts majors did almost the same thing. 4.) I know what I needed to do.

It's an easy topic, kung tutuusin. But when I started researching late December (yes I was that late), I realized how difficult it was and how crucial it is to know what you're aiming for and to really find time to do things out of the ordinary. I didn't only depend on libraries (emphasis on the libraries) around Manila, I went to Pandacan almost every week to research about the place and find people whom I can literally shame myself to pieces just to ask about their festival. I went to different elementary schools, did a lot of interviews and surveys and went to the festival day itself. I was so grateful because the people in Pandacan were genuinely nice and approachable. Imagine just approaching a stranger and conducting an on-the-spot interview (with a formal consent paper, of course) phew!

These are just 2 of my interviewees (there's actually around 8 of them) 'cause I did not take pictures with the others because they wanted me to respect their privacy. hehe! Indeed, it was the most exhausting, desperate and tormented days of my life, whenever I remember going to Pandacan on my own without knowing where to go or who to approach, I remember the fear and panic I feel whenever I step out of the jeepney and feeling so lost and incredibly stupid. In the end, the challenges and the risks I took with my own blood and tears (bucket and bucket of tears) just to finish my goddamn thesis--all effin worth it. So if anyone else out there wants to continue what I've started (the last person who did a study about Pandacan/Buling-buling was on the year I was born) you can send me an e-mail or go to UP Manila CAS Library (well I'm not sure if they placed it there, though) HAHA.

I made this post because I realized I was never really able to express what I've gone through during those bloodyhell days. Maybe I was too preoccupied when I only wrote a blog post about the event itself and didn't talk about the details. Today I recall the things that happened to me for those days that I almost stopped believing in myself. Not only did I experience the hardships of finishing this thesis, I was also experiencing usual but rather tragic domestic problems that I cannot just tell anyone. I remember doing the thesis at the hospital, coffee shops, friends' houses, at the car, at an empty house until morning (I was literally sleepless throughout the last deadline week and did not sleep at the night before the day of my defense!). So piece of advice: DO NOT PROCRASTINATE YOUR THESIS. haha well if you're good at it, then do it. :)

I kept everything to myself even when everything at home seems to be falling apart. God saves and he did. For those days that I thought prayers wont ever change anything---well it did. So for those who are also experiencing difficulties right now, hmmm, I can't tell you anything more than being positive is the key.

Truth is, nothing worth having comes easy. :)

The wheels on the bus go..

Along with my newly-renovated blog, I'd rather add this post in 'cause you know how much you missed it, too! Haha! On the top of my head is that I am still proudly unemployed until now. Been useless around 6 months already (OMG has it really been that long!?). I guess this has something to do with how I planned my life a year ago--I was in a total disarray because of SOOOO many school works that I vividly remember telling myself that after I graduated, I would stop for a looooong break. I did not realize how badly I wanted to work then. So for those metaphysical beings who heard my childish plan last year, please hear me now as I regret saying that. There's just too much nonsense (obviously) about my life these days. I can't tell you how my day/week/month went because it'll bore you to the depths of your dying soul. Example: "I remember eating crap the other day, I bought McDonalds' fries and left it on the table for about 2 hours. I came back to eat and it tasted utterly dry and oily that I swear I cannot even let our dog eat that crap because that crap might cause him to crap all over the place again." that's how crappy it'll sound that even if I try to put some relevant issues to it like; 'well we shouldn't let our dogs eat those crappy, spoiled food because you'll never know what'll happen to them if they eat it; that's some moral lesson you can take if you really care for your dog.' see? it still sounds so off.

That's why even if I absolutely have the desire to write about anything, I couldn't. I can tell you how affected I am for not having a job until now (only because society somehow has that power to make you feel bad about being unemployed). Of course I've been saved by different companies who gave me a shot to prove myself, some were okay (but I was choosy bec. of the schedule) and some were negative. Here's the thing. If you have a very weirdo, out-of-this-world course like I had, it'll be really difficult for those companies to employ you, agree? If I had taken engineering, I.T. or other well-known courses, I'm pretty sure that I won't be sitting here right now. Not that I'm blaming PhilArts for this--heck I love my course so much that I don't care if friends and family don't get what it's about! But that's the thing, you can love it so much that some will still hate and not appreciate what it did for you and what it can possibly do in many fields. I've news about my colleagues working already and some are pursuing law, med and stuff, so what I am right now should not be a forefront example of what PhilArts can do. Maybe I wasn't really there yet. The feeling of hunger or thirst to work. That feeling that only fresh graduates will have if they really want or desire an employed life. Maybe I'm just not there, I thought I was, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe  I needed more time to explore bunch of things that I can only do without being restrained by a job schedule. All I know is that I'm prepared, anytime. Any time an opportunity is handed out, I think first before indulging because I've done so many wrong turns in my life that I know I can never undo.

I've been thinking about writing a book review/ creating a playlist but I guess it can wait. Till then!

in the shed

there are times when I think of life as an enormous jigsaw puzzle. countless times that I figure that in each day that passes, we all search for the scattered pieces of ourselves to finally put them together to create a whole sensible picture of what we are ought to be. lucky for those who find the right pieces at the right time and unfortunately for others who have gathered pieces that fit together but doesn't really make sense at all. i have a lot of very stubborn thoughts that I continue to ignore every now and then. these thoughts would usually make sense at first but later on, I'd end up screwing my decisions and screwing the whole jigsaw puzzle. i know i'm not the only one who thinks that growing up faster than you should and having to decide which path  to take at such limited time are the hardest things to deal with.


opportunities are everywhere but they can pop away so easily like bubbles without you even touching them. when people ask what my plans are, in essence, what kind of job do I want to do et cetera et cetera, i can't easily make a straight answer because other than thinking of what job/path I'd like to take, i have other baggage that i'm taking with me. i'm one of those who thinks that life can wait, opportunities have their own shelf lives but that doesn't mean i wont be able to take one someday. may sound absurd to some or may seem an excuse but seriously, there is nothing else i want to do right now but wait.


i can perhaps say that i'm on a waiting shed right now, basically waiting for what life has to offer. i do know that it's always better to go the extra mile to find the right profession that fits you and grabbing all opportunities handed out to you, well that's exactly what a smart person would do anyway. but i'm stuck at this waiting shed. a shed that gave me an experience that i will bring with me for until i enter my grave. an experience that will be held liable for the future choices that i will make. i feel secure being in this shed because it gave me the resilience that money is not everything. it is always of value to me that i have the best people i can fall back to and that's family.


your puzzle pieces are everywhere, depends on how you see your life, the way you were yesterday, today and the next day. depends on where you put the pieces together, depends on the choices of pieces you want to put together. it always depends on you. well, there are diverse cases wherein one cannot really decide for his/herself. there are cases that we cannot really find the right pieces of the puzzle because we're too busy doing what others have decided for us that we eventually thought made sense. but how would you know anyway? how would you know if something fits or not? oh well, some of life's complications. it's for you to make sense out of things that are just plain senseless.


if this is where God or fate wants me to be for a while, then there's nothing else i'd love more but to take the seat, relax, flex as i gradually realize what i'm meant to do for the next coming years and soon, maybe, if lucky, i'll find the scattered pieces to make my own bigger picture out of life's complexities.

I wrote this blog post because I'm not Taylor Swift.

My almost empty and dysfunctional brain will try its best to speak of things that can be classified as dwindling sanity. One month had passed since I started experiencing the biggest break of my life, and oh, the biggest break for my dysfunctional brain. Thank you, God for this opportunity. It has only been a month and yet it felt almost forever. Series of unexpected events come running down my life as if the past year's surprises aren't enough to scare the hell out of me. I'm too scared now, I suppose. Too scared that I may not make it out this time. That maybe I've been too focused on what's here and now than on what's up ahead. But that's not so wrong, isn't it? Some would agree that it's better to live in the present and make the most out of each day. Guess this "living in the present" would take a long while.

In a month, these are the things I'd like to put away, at least for now. These may all sound very confusing, sorry I cannot speak straightforwardly as a lot of you would want.

Mistakes. Lies. Shortcomings. Impatience. Intolerance. Carelessness. Indifference. Oh what a month it has been for us. What a month of roller coaster rides of pain and happiness. I must admit that it has already been a habit of mine to delete blog posts whenever I felt that the words I say do not mean anything after a while. Now, this is what I'm going to say as final and as a preamble for another chapter.

If I hadn't met you, my world would probably be so much better and secure; I would not have anyone else to think of but my family, myself and our laundry. I would not have anyone else to say sorry to, to say genuine thank you to and to say forever to. Then there you are, once gone, now.. gone. You've proven yourself as the best, best, best friend one can ever have. You have shown me the best of both worlds of agony and content. I've taken so much from you, your time, your patience, your efforts and your love. Your love that continuously quenched my thirst for love. More than my brothers, you are the only guy that can make me shut my self in and come back out once again. Despite what everyone else is telling us, we've fought through, year after year, December after December. No matter how difficult or how painful it was. We compete all the time on who gets to break the chain of repetitive occurrences. And finally, you won. Dear, you won. I lost because I don't know why. I don't know why and I don't know how. But I felt that I lost this fight because I lost you. None of these would've happened if I didn't screw up. But you know, I never gave you up and I never would have. Not since I realized that losing you will always be at the bottom of my list and the very last option. And now I know that it was that easy for you to put that on top.

Whatever reasons you may have for not staying, it is understandable for me because, as cliche as this sounds, your happiness is my happiness, too. Sometimes whenever I'm having a hard time moving on, I think about the song you sing for me to sleep (even if it was only forced singing). I think of how we started, three years ago, when the campus' halls bore witness of our growing fondness for each other. You were there whenever I needed you even when I didn't. You were so much more than I expected you to be, so much more than I ever hoped for. No one in this world will ever really know how incredible you were to me. No one. No one but me.

But as change is the only constant thing in the world, years go by so easily that our environment  and our perspectives have to change drastically in so little time. Ups and downs, ups and downs. Seemed never ending. One has to change for another. Promises were broken one by one. There is simply nothing else (that you would be interested of) to say but, thank you. For the years you have shared with me. For the love that I needed and wanted. For simply having me in your life. It was more than a blessing to have you for once in my own little tragic life.

If you would ask me how I'd remember the years I had spent with him, I would simply say that it was the best ride of my life. I think part of moving on is accepting that the person will be happier without you, day after day, you have to tell yourself that he/she's gone. For so many petty reasons that I hold on to for me to forget him, there's never an enough one to grasp just so I can quietly sail away. It's going to take an enormous amount of strength to forget what has been and what will never be.

This is so overly-dramatic. I'm sorry. So far, the most humiliating post I had to write. And If he will not see this, ever, then it is better. Because as far as I know, he's probably having the time of his life right now. And I should be happy to know that.

Goodnight, earthlings.

Ripples.

Sabi nila, happiness is not a destination, it is a choice. Ever since I've heard of that, I didn't think twice in believing that it is true. In many moments of my life, I've given my best in thinking that being happy should be my personal will, not anybody's obligation nor responsibility, but only a contribution. I knew I should be firm with that belief that happiness can only be achieved once I start modifying my perspectives.

What if?

Strange 'what if' thoughts kept running in my head ever since the idea that I graduated College started sinking in. What if I spent the years with the wrong person, with the wrong people and with the wrong choices? What if I was meant to have something else? The fact that I can now really consider myself quite old enough to make the right choices, I believe we are all still prone to make mistakes since there is a very thin line between right and wrong.

I see my mistakes as bright discoveries. My mistakes, dealing with them until now, made me regret it but at the same time, I feel a boiling strength continuously growing inside me. If it's not for these mistakes, everything would've been different or everything would've been the same. For four years I've spent as a college student, I know there are actions that cannot be undone and choices that cannot be taken back. Acceptance is the only choice I have to move from the gripping thought of regret.

Maybe as of now, I am the saddest creature on earth, having picked the wrong person, having chosen the doubtful path of success, it seemed that it is not in my system to make the right choices nor was I destined for greatness. But it is in this 'road less traveled' that I discovered the person I was meant to be despite the unruly stumbles I had to go through. I had a glimpse of the depth of my existence but I have a lot more to learn, a lot more to seek and a lot more mistakes to make.

For us who doubt our decisions, remember that you've chosen something that you once thought was the best answer to everything. It is not only on our intelligence alone that we should base our factors on whether we are successful or not in making our choices. The ability to decide on something unforeseeable is already a test of character and a test of personal strength that consequently contributes to our framework of success. I think that, even if we end up unhappy with our choices, we should recognize the fact that we were able to choose that one thing out of all the others no matter how difficult it was. Now, it is up to us to gather whatever strength we have to deal with our choices, change it if we must or accept it.

Accept the things we cannot change, but change the things that are unacceptable.

Fresh pair of eyes.

C*ap. It's March already. I can hear the graduation hymn just about now and it's oddly one of my LSS's lately. Haha! I don't even know why I have the right to think of 'graduation' when I can hardly finish my thesis. The more I think about so many deadlines, like way way deadly lines coming my way, the more I want to bury myself alive. It didn't really occur to me that I'm about to finish college until March happened. So, for those who are wondering why the heck I'm still typing these down while I have thesis to do, I just want to clear my head for a minute.

...


What I'll miss about college.. True enough, having spent 5 years as a former BS Tourism student in Lyceum of the Philippines to being a father-forced-and-unfortunately-got-accepted Iska ng bayan taking up BA Philippine Arts major in Arts Management is a sure way to say that my messed up College ventures are better than my moronic High School memoirs. Of course, there is a big difference between the two. In High School, you learn the importance of friendship, in College you learn the importance of independence. Although that again does not always apply to everyone. Anyway.

• First thing I'll miss about College, as an Iska, is of course my batchmates. Being a transferee was never easy for me. I remember in my not-so-freshie days how I cannot go out of the house without my cellphone slash mp3 on so as not to feel too alienated from everyone else (although that's exactly how I seemed) and until now I cannot go out without music ringing to my ears. I remember going out of the house wearing a different pair of slippers because going to school seemed like an everyday torment. It was one of my dullest days in my entire 21 years. It is in those days that I felt what it was like to have no one, as in literally no one to be with.

• Friends I made along the way, while I was feeling alone, while I cannot stand going to a class where I can only talk to my head and while I continue to think I'd graduate on my own--they all came into my life sort of slapped my pessimist-self away. 

• I'll prolly miss the epic long walks from CAS to Robinson's. Wow, that's epic-ly shallow. Hahaha! I'll miss my Orgs--UP Musician's Org and my Salinlahi family. Both of these orgs changed the way I see UP students, from their truest feeble-self to the fakest and most obsolete form. 

• In UP, I have met the only person who succesfully brought out the beast in me. The meanest, boldest, not-a-care-in-the-world self that I thought never existed. He will always be remembered for everything. As in, everything. You should know who I'm talking about. 

• I will miss the bus rides I take going to school and back home. There is something about bus rides especially when you gaze out of the window, thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Hopes, dreams and everything in-between, yea, I'll miss those.

• From the evilest, senseless to extremely admirable professors

• My daily/nightly thoughts of what to wear to school the next day. Shoes, too.

• The times I walk on my own not knowing where to go or what to do. Lost.

• From simple coffee to Lipovitan, Red Bull and Cobra.

• The dramas, the hatred and the unsaid words.

• The 'papansin' performances wherein I have consistently failed. :))

• Cats of CAS. :"">

• Thesis qualms. Sleepless nights. 

• Siestas, happiness and good times at Bo's place. (Le boyfriend of mi amiga)

• My one and only boy crush for 3 years. Girl crushes (countless).

So much for clearing my head at this gravely hour. But, I may not be able to do this again for the coming weeks as I strive to finish le thesis. Huhu. Pray for me, please. I wish everyone else, a warm goodluck! Especially for other fellow graduating students, nothing can be done successfully without perseverance and patience.


Here's a lullaby song for your happy sleep. :)

Steady.

For those of you who find the time to read this, thank you. I've had many messy experiences lately; literally and figuratively. I tend to forget that a single slight movement can lead to a domino effect. A single wrong move can lead to further frustrations and it's difficult to stop it. One thing I've learned in a three-year relationship is that once respect is gone, nothing else stays the same. But here's the thing about having long-term relationships; it's completely worth it.

In every tear, in every laugh and in every moment that you get to share with your significant other is a lifetime's worth of memory. You'll remember him/her in every places you've been together, in every corner of every street that you walked hand-in-hand together and in every chance you get to say the words you thought you can never say to another specie. Whatever happened in your long-term relationship will be held liable for your future actions as you engage in another relationship.

Love is a self-inflicted pain sometimes; you make your own dramas, craft your own fairytale-like fantasies that he or she will do this and shit things like that and other impossible scenarios in your head. Disney is a blame for this. As far as I know, I've been a fan of Sleeping Beauty and Snow White since I was 3. I remember playing those VHS tapes over and over until our car-shaped tape rewinder gave up on me. :|

I'm a complete sucker for fairytales. That for once, maybe, someone will really be there to act as your knight in a glamorous and extra shiny armor to eventually sweep you off of your feet. But no man can ever act like your knight in a glamorous and extra shiny armor unless you sleep all your life and continue dreaming 'til you die. I'm not a complete sucker for koreanovelas though, which illustrates love stories that are more likely to exist in real life than fairytales but yet again, too good to be true.

Yes, this is too biased because I know a lot of guys who still knows the essence of chivalry & humility.

But for what it's worth, not all girls and boys will ever be the same when it comes to their own relationships. It will depend on how you treat each other from the very beginning. It's a long cycle of gives and takes, exchange of stories and countless promises that you'll never know if he/she will stand by it.

Finally, it's a risk. For a long time, I've been making risks for the sake of fighting for something I know will mean something if not everything to me. It's a risk you'd have to take even before you're completely ready for it. Because you'll never know what'll happen if you do or if you don't, so better take it than stand and never know how beautiful it might be. The lessons you'll gain from a long-term relationship will help you grow as a person and realize a lot of things that you can never do when you're single.

I've had the best and worst three years of my life, but of course I will focus on saying it was still the best. I've known my capacity as a person and the adjustments that I have to learn in the future. Because I still believe, after all, that maybe my knight in a not-so-shiny armor will still exist as a boy who wears plain t-shirts, pants and sneakers who won't give me the world but will give me a part of him that he knows I can break.

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To end my post, I'd like to invite everyone for UPM Salinlahi's first ever production:

100 to UP Students, 150 to non-UP Students

text 09275096561 for any inquiries! :D

Buy your tickets now! Totally worth your time! :D

What happened?

I can't write. I wish I can still write. I see myself finally situated into this vacuum of emptiness where no decent words can breathe. I have been preoccupied by a lot of worthless and crappy things when I should be doing the things that I love; the kind of habits wherein I get to come to terms with myself and nonetheless crucial to my inescapable journey.


However this post will turn out, I am very sorry for wasting your time reading it, I know I haven't been so kind to this blog. I almost got the courage to let this go, let every bit about my past sink into the vacuum of emptiness that I'm currently in. Probably everything that I'll write right now will either be seen as underplayed or exaggerated.


A lot of things boggle me recently: one, 'what happened?' two, 'really it happened?' three, 'what the hell did I do?'. These are the thoughts that I have gladly entertained for the sake of acceptance and evaluation of what happened to me this 2011. One thing you should know is that my life doesn't consist of only a relationship with a single homo. Apparently, if I had a red sign on top of my head it would scream NO OCCUPANCY for some close-minded people. Well, I don't blame anyone. I'm glad to have experienced these things at an early age. It's true what they say, relationships are messy. Messy does not even cut it.


Anywho, 2011 will pass me by like it never happened.I am very glad, with utter profanities, that 2011 will be the 4 numbers that I will always remember and will always be forgotten. Thank you, 2011, for the times you've taught me that I should be bigger than my emotions, bigger as in smarter, that sometimes I should not forget to think inside the box because there is always a danger that awaits outside of it.


I have gone too far, testing every bit of capacity that I have just to make the unworkable things work, and it didn't seem to delight me most of the time. This is me thinking negatively, I suppose. But of course there are remarkable discoveries that I have kept with me since finally I have done things that other people thought I couldn't, may it be for my betterment or not, mostly not.


There are so many stories that I could share if only I have the will or time to write them, sadly I don't. One, I'm not good at telling stories to random strangers, I have a very limited number of trust left that I can give to anyone worth it. For now, I don't think this blog, or you, is worth it. :)


Here's the thing. I will continue to tell stories that I suppose will serve you guys well. Something that will make your day, will make you say 'oh! yes, she has a point there' (emphasis on the Oh!). Yah, 'cause usually I see my words as pointless. I haven't read so much blogs lately that tell nice stories, I've seen personal tumblr accounts but only photographs reposted countless times. Uh, no offense there, 'cause I really adore those kind of things. I think it's the shortest way of expressing what one feels/thinks if he or she is too lazy to write 'em down. I don't even know why I can still type all of these down.


This year would probably be very different.


I know it. I just really know it...


Age of 21. The start of Womanhood?

No kidding?

Thesis. Graduation. Epic no-lovelife February-March. Job-hunting. (Jobless? Or finally an employee?)



So many grand occurrences that I can't wait to get to the point of working. Yes. I'm excited to work. But working without a decent vehicle to get to work is a different story. *sigh*


Can you imagine how far we've come, dear blog? It's been 5 years! Oh what a history.

Let's end the world right! Happy 2012!

Thorn in my flesh

I thought I know everything I have to know about this certain overrated 4 letter word. I thought it's already understood that what would seem to have been stuck inside my system is that love is never easy to define. But the truth is, you can only define love so much. Philosophy. Science. Psychology. Even Theology maybe? Depending on your own personal framework, you can probably see love in so many different angles.


If you're such a bio-freak you'd probably say that love is just a chemical reaction of some sort, I refuse to explain further than that. I agree with it sometimes though. Especially when two people actually end up together after exchanging massive amount of body fluids (pun intended). Psycho-freaks would agree that love arose from the need of the human being to have a sense of intimacy, commitment and passion. Yes, we need that. Do you know why marriages collapse? Because at least one of those three cease to exist. Philosophy would speak ranges of definitions about love since Philosophy never ran out of definitions about the indescribable things in this world.


I know a couple who have lived for almost 16 years together. They're married happily and was able to raise wonderful kids. But after a while, they were already losing intimacy and then passion. Commitment is still there however it is not enough for their marriage to work. This tragic love story have an adverse effect to both of them. They've become insufficient parents, unable to do their tasks well, personal and family issues consistently boiling up inside them, ashamed of what happened to their marriage made them sociopaths etc.


I knew by this personal experience that I've consequently feared love. Its deceiving definitions and the effects of its self-inflicted pain. I fear that the once so beautiful and so perfect will eventually lead to a bitter and poisoning ending. And that, my friend, is not only intended for young relationships, but of course the heavy word marriage. On a lighter note, fighting for someone you love is the best way to keep a marriage or a relationship. 'Cause once you stop fighting, then that's probably the end of it.



Appreciation is a quiet yet tough word to handle. Not everyone sees the importance of appreciation. But I see appreciation much like a fuel that drives a relationship forward. Once you appreciate the person's "mere existence" in your life, everything changes as well, your high expectations will be compromised, your ideals will be useless, but your relationship will become better perhaps a little boring, but maybe along the way one of you will do something. I've been taught the hardest way to realize a lot of things I didn't know.


Although it was much of an everyday routine that I have to convince myself that he still loves me despite that I feel differently about his ways. It was worth it. All the tears, the immense humiliation that I hardly swallowed and the notion that I've become the stupidest person that I never thought I'd ever be just for somebody. If ever this ends, it will be my most failed trial.


Because being in a relationship is an investment. By mere economics definition, investment is "the act of investing; laying out money or capital in an enterprise with the expectation of profit". When you decide to be in a relationship you invest three things; time, effort and emotion. You can add money if you want. But these three vital factors make up a good relationship. That's why it hurts when nothing is returned, because you invested three intangible things that only a genuinely willing person can give. What they say about love being unconditional is of course applicable. But I don't think it really applies in all kinds of relationships.


If I had a choice and if I had known earlier that there are too much adverse consequences to be in a relationship that I can't handle, I would've never chosen to be a part of it. But what can you do if it makes you happy? What can you do if he makes you feel loved when this world doesn't really care? We all need someone. However, we also have to need ourselves first, we have to feel okay on our own before being with someone else, I say this because this has been some sort of my mistake that I did 3 years ago.


I needed a companion, it's nice to have a companion anyway, and it's right what my mom said, we just both needed a companion, a best friend, I didn't believe her at first, but now that he's having so many other people to accompany him, he completely disregarded my presence in his life and that hurts. Because I thought I also needed a companion, but I realized that I have so many of that now and yet I chose to stay with him even if he disagrees.


So, figure out why you love someone. Because the truth is, the pain it brings will always be difficult to handle. Taylor Swift's songs are enough evident for that. Figure out why you need that someone. Happiness? That can't be the only reason. Figure out why no one else can make you happy besides him. Figure out why you want someone. If you finally figure those out, then you'll be brave enough to handle a relationship. You'll be brave enough to give a part of yourself, to entrust yourself to someone, because that per se is already a sacrifice because that person can do anything with that part of you, so be careful when you give.


And when you're there, don't be surprised of how much he/she can change you. Sometimes you will get lost, you will act so differently that you can't even recognize yourself anymore. Both of you should start out having a breathing space, a world of your own. I know by experience and by others' experience that once you start out with too much time for each other, the tendency is one of you will get tired of it. Believe me it hurts to be switched to second choice once you started to be the first choice all the time.


There is so much that you need to know, if you're younger than me though, and of course I myself have so much more to learn. Although I think the harsh occurrences that I've endured recently are enough for me to know what I needed to know. All I have to do now is to wait for that day, wait 'til I get tired being taken for granted and wait 'til I have no more energy to give. But I am fighting, yes, but I'm also human, I get tired as well. This would be the last time I would say these things and I'm finally leaving it all here. Even though there is so much to say, I'd leave it this way. I've loved and I've been hurt, continuously being hurt, but I learn, and I learn; that is the most important thing for me now.

Magic

Cheers for One Tree Hill's Season 8 last episode.

Actually, I don't really like the story of OTH now compared to how it was during its first up to the season where the characters of Lucas and Peyton are still existing. What I really love about OTH is its very poetic script. Here's one of my favorites from their season finale:


Jamie: You know, I do believe in magic... I was born and raised in a magic time... in a magic town... among magicians... Most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by the silver filaments of chance and circumstance, but I knew it all along. See? This is my opinion; we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside of us. We are born able to sing to birds and read clouds, and see our destiny in grains of sand…but then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, washed out, spanked out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves. After you go so far away from it, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it, just seconds of knowing and remembering...


Alex: When people get weepy in movies, it’s because in that dark theater, the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly…

Mouth: then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again, and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heart sad, and not knowing why...

Haley: When a song stirs a memory...

Quinn: when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world...

Dan: when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance, and you wonder where it might be going...

Brooke: you step beyond who you are and where you are...

Jamie: for the briefest of instance, you have stepped into the magic realm. That’s what I believe

Chances

I'm stupid. Yes, friends, I am stupid. You all told me the same old things that I begged to disagree most of the time.

How could I not listen to those genuinely concerned friends who told me that life without him is better? How could I just take someone back without even thinking about the consequences?

I'm sorry, friends, best friends, classmates and strangers. You were all so dear to have been with me in times that I needed you most.

I did not even expect that I would still have friends like you despite that I've chosen my own stupid choice.I just want you to know, you, my friend, if ever you are reading this, that your efforts and advises are still with me, still etched in my mind. I'll never forget the words that hurt me and yet contributed to my own sense of growing up. I love you. And I mean every word. And I am sorry if I had chosen to listen to my heart. I'm too scared now. I may not have anyone else to run to because I have been selfish once again. In the end, I know I'm to blame because he hasn't changed for the better. I just learned to accept him for who he is in spite of the pain that it inevitably gives me.I love you, my friend. You will always be the friend I need. Not him. You. :)

ASDFGHJKL.

SWEET. May ganito pa ba? :)) L-O-L. WALA. :))

Blue sky

I miss writing. like once the kind of drug that leveled my sanity and insanity. I want to talk about the kind of things that I once used to share to some strangers, much like telling dumb stories to the sky about what I did the whole day, what I hate and like most about people, what happened here, there, shitbulls and lullaby stories. Pretty much the right mix of nonsense.

Well maybe I can talk about how I ended up here, right now, at this very moment, writing and pretending like I still know how to write. If I will follow my initial purpose, I would talk about the things I miss.

I started knowing that liking someone is a risk two years ago. I started knowing that loving someone is riskier two years ago. If I had been more careful, I couldve been happier. Although if I had not been careless, I would not grow up. I will and have to grow up eventually. Changes are now blatantly occurring, not that it never did, but the actuality of unexpected changes are nevertheless the best murderer I have ever encountered so far.

There are things that I used to say when I was younger; one is that I wouldn't let anyone get the best of me and two is I will make sure that I would never cry for someone who does not deserve it. Unfortunately, ideals are for the young mind, and as I grew up to be where I am now, I knew I had to change those ideals even if it is out of my control. Quite recently I've pondered on the things that I could have done so that things would not scramble into thousand pieces. One must remember, I suppose, that a single reaction, a single (sensible) word can definitely affect an outcome. Here I am now, regretting the things I've said, the things I did, and the things I could have stopped before it even came to the existent of our knowledge. I would have done so many things that will put me in a better position right now, but sadly, nothing can be done, it's the saddest and excruciating fact of all time--that regrets happen.

Facing what seems to be the hardest challenge that I have right now, and resolving them all single-handedly will be an enough reason for me to stop regretting the things I did not do; for they say do not regret the things you did, but regret those you chose not to do. Forgive me, present self if I had not been so wise.

This is now the ultimate goal: to have faith.

Faith in the future. Faith in the present that's chock-full of surprises. Faith that someday, God will give me a better plan, a better outlook and help me turn these adversities into a consequent of a better self. Faith that in each day that I strive to find ways to be happier; I'd look at the heavens and pray for others to not have the same fate as I do.

Love what loves you

I sometimes consider myself cursed for being the oldest amongst 3 brothers and the only daughter. For one, being the only girl will only mean stricter rules, i.e., proper clothing that supposed to make you look like a real virgin, smothering curfews.. blah blah, by the mother and most specially by the father. And by being the eldest, I think this does not only apply to me, will mean that the word "responsibility" will be my most loyal follower until my darkest grave and finally have my soul rest in solemn peace. 

Responsibility. I never understood that word until recently. And it still tortures me every nanosecond of everyday, but the results are truly life-changing. In fact, I've become most certain of these responsibilities I now consider monsters that will either follow me 'til the end or swallow me alive anytime. And these monsters are not that easy to confront considering how well they murder every emotional cells that I still luckily possess. Sometimes though, I befriend these monsters in a way that I pretend that they're just stupid clowns and pretty little butterflies. But it is not always the way I imagined them to be if I have to come to my senses. I know they will always be horrible and utterly greedy. They will suck every bit of happiness out of you, absorb all your joyful memories and put you in a dark and scary abyss like bloodsucking dementors. 

If you're not in the same place as I am, maybe you'll never understand. You're probably the youngest; the most cared about, most sheltered and free of responsibilities except you may have experienced belittlement from your older sibling/s. Don't worry. Your ate/kuya loves you. He or she is probably not very good in saying or showing that, but they do, I swear. You may be the middle child. Disturbed. Probably over-confident and unashamed to be different and standout from the rest because you know you are free of stereotyping. Except the way I'm describing middle children right now, it's still stereotyping. I have yet to understand middle kids, they are always in-between the way they are. Or eldest--Hmmm. Now, tell me what your parents told you to be?

If I had to bear all these monsters with me forever, then I shall stop expecting that my life will be better. Even if I know it will. Maybe? Unless some sort of a miracle from UP there should turn me into a stone. 

If things will really be okay, then it should've been years ago. But it hasn't. And it never will. Responsibilities will be forever an enemy to befriend; accept and love even if scarcely lovable, perhaps at times likable and hardly ever senseless.