Of daydreams and escapades

My mother have and always been good at smothering me. It’s not often a good thing because I kept having recurring thoughts of how pathetic my life is for being her daughter. But on a second thought, I was grateful for her oppressing way of loving. Not only did I become so grounded about myself but I also learned so much more about the way I should handle difficulties.

I woke up this morning from a very promising dream. It’s very different from the bad dreams I kept having weeks ago. In the dream, I had a career (which was vague, but I seemed so glad I have it), I was working for people who admired me (including few male admirers that I didn’t recognize) and I was just plain I-felt-so-alive happy. I had a rough night that’s why that dream woke me up at the right side of the bed. Although, like any other dreams, it was just that fleeting moment of how my mind shortly relieved itself from being so agitated about the things that happened the night before. Today I thought waking up from a good dream was a good thing, but I guess it wasn’t. So many undesirable words were bombarded on my cell phone the moment I woke up. This is not something I will talk about further but it is something that I want to cleanse away and forget that I ever read such ridiculous things. Being mad because of getting hurt is the worst feeling I ever have to endure. I don’t know why people love inflicting pain towards others and more importantly, why do some of us like inflicting pain to ourselves? Isn’t it a better choice to just be still and stay still rather than speak of things that will just ruin or worsen the whole hopeless situation?

I went under my mother’s sheets just to find solace and company. She was in her deep sleep and I knew I wouldn’t wake her that much because she hasn’t had enough rest. I didn’t foresee how comforting it was to feel her tight arms around my skinniest body. I felt smothered, literally, because she made me her pillow (more like a skeletal log) that she hugs so dearly. She placed the sheet over my head because she said she was cold. Tears came streaming down my cheeks and damped her lavender-scented chest. I never thought that all the anger and pain I have in me would just evaporate into tears, something I didn’t want her to know, but I guess she figured that out in spite of her extreme drowsiness. She hugs and caresses my hair as if to say that everything will be okay.

It’s always a relief to know that you can run to someone who wouldn’t forsake you nor judge you for your actions. And I can’t say fully that mom has never misjudged me, because she has and she always does. But I continue to believe that in times that I needed her most, she’ll be there.  Mom has no idea of what I was going through, but her stillness and presence made me feel so much better that no words can ever suffice.

I think sometimes, we don’t need to talk about what hurts us; we just need to try our best to think rationally and that the pain is just a transitory emotion that we can get over with. What made things better today is I decided to recall the good and happy moments I’ve had in my life—the places I’ve been to, the things I have acquired (although some lost), the people I’ve met and the short moments that I’ve had that made me feel secure and happy. That’s what I love about daydreaming; I get to choose what I want to see and choose to feel differently about reality. A lot of times I wanted to stay in my daydream, I mean, why shouldn’t I? It’s so much beautiful, so safe and so much better; it affects my mood and my choices in real life. I didn’t mean I won’t go out there and do what I want. It’s just that sometimes we need to control our minds into thinking differently about certain situations that we cannot change. And I believe that my happy daydreams helped a lot for me to achieve greater wisdom and forget the things that hurt.