What happened lately

Two months have passed and I'm still here, a professional bum. So now I still have loads of time with me to waste. What happened recently has been a 360 degree turn from what I was experiencing on my previous post/s. I'd like to delete a blog post that you will read here (if you scroll down a little bit more), but I decided  to keep it there, to remind me of what happened and what I have learned from that experience.

Recently, mom gave me the best graduation gift ever. Guess it. Naaaah, not an iPhone 4S or whathaveyou. It's money beybeh! haha! And she helped me avail this tempting blue card that makes me want to spoil all the money in it. Haha!

money money money

I did spoil some of it last Friday for this baby over here:

Nikon D5100 with 18-55mm lens

And took some shots:

Paul took this one though :)

Last Saturday, we finally watched The Amazing Spider-Man!!! I'm completely in-love with Andrew Garfield ever since I saw The Social Network & Never Let Me Go. He's not only good-looking, he's really talented especially when he did a fantastic job for that role in NLMG. Emma Stone is just one of those women celebrities that I will gladly change my sexual preference for. Haha! She's really adorable, and seeing them in one movie together is fantastic. The movie was awesome. You'd really know what kind of a 'human being' is Spider-Man and not only his lovelife. 4 stars!

We had dinner first at our very mundane choice of restaurant: Xin Wang HK Cafe:

Bradd's porkchop was okay. Bradd's 'Impossibru' face was better.

I ate this cheesy rice with mushroom (not its real name haha) nakakaumay at its finest!

Bradd took this shot. Yay! With special guest :D

So many firsts happened lately and one of them is going to ze Spaaa :) yesterday me and my beautiful high school chicks slash friends went to Greenbelt/ Glorietta/ Park Square/ Landmark just to find a place to eat haha, she then gave us a delightful treat to Dad's Kamayan ('cause Saisaki wasn't available) because of her hard-earned bucks!

Ez & Macey (the financier) :))

Kare Kare with Fries and Siomai! Weird me.

Restroom Photooo!

And off to Mont Albo Pasong Tamo:

after :)

 It was relaxing/soothing, a little harsh on that massage (maybe because I'm too thin), but it was sooo sooo good. Thanks, Mont Albo! :) Although it's not exactly the place to go to if you want to do a lot of talking with your girl friends (the staff always tell us to keep our mouths shut). But this is something I'd love to do with them again! :)

Some more random shots:

Mont Albo, Pasong Tamo branch

The chicks with their driver (left) Haha

Photo Blog? Yay. Soon. :)

This week will be different, as I may already put an end to my awesome career (Professional Bum). I want to work already of course, money is the inspiration, but I'd love to have more of this 'break' from life things. Thanks for reading! :)

Ripples.

Sabi nila, happiness is not a destination, it is a choice. Ever since I've heard of that, I didn't think twice in believing that it is true. In many moments of my life, I've given my best in thinking that being happy should be my personal will, not anybody's obligation nor responsibility, but only a contribution. I knew I should be firm with that belief that happiness can only be achieved once I start modifying my perspectives.

What if?

Strange 'what if' thoughts kept running in my head ever since the idea that I graduated College started sinking in. What if I spent the years with the wrong person, with the wrong people and with the wrong choices? What if I was meant to have something else? The fact that I can now really consider myself quite old enough to make the right choices, I believe we are all still prone to make mistakes since there is a very thin line between right and wrong.

I see my mistakes as bright discoveries. My mistakes, dealing with them until now, made me regret it but at the same time, I feel a boiling strength continuously growing inside me. If it's not for these mistakes, everything would've been different or everything would've been the same. For four years I've spent as a college student, I know there are actions that cannot be undone and choices that cannot be taken back. Acceptance is the only choice I have to move from the gripping thought of regret.

Maybe as of now, I am the saddest creature on earth, having picked the wrong person, having chosen the doubtful path of success, it seemed that it is not in my system to make the right choices nor was I destined for greatness. But it is in this 'road less traveled' that I discovered the person I was meant to be despite the unruly stumbles I had to go through. I had a glimpse of the depth of my existence but I have a lot more to learn, a lot more to seek and a lot more mistakes to make.

For us who doubt our decisions, remember that you've chosen something that you once thought was the best answer to everything. It is not only on our intelligence alone that we should base our factors on whether we are successful or not in making our choices. The ability to decide on something unforeseeable is already a test of character and a test of personal strength that consequently contributes to our framework of success. I think that, even if we end up unhappy with our choices, we should recognize the fact that we were able to choose that one thing out of all the others no matter how difficult it was. Now, it is up to us to gather whatever strength we have to deal with our choices, change it if we must or accept it.

Accept the things we cannot change, but change the things that are unacceptable.

On humility

For all the days that you've held on and for all the days you let go, there is always that one reason why you did one or the other. 

It's too early to say that I've been struggling as much as I really don't want to extend the humiliation I took from being thrown away like a worthless crap. But it is still too surreal to imagine that I will actually end up in thrash. I never once thought that everything will end as if nothing had ever happened. Hating someone is so easy to do. Getting mad does not even require bit of an effort. That's exactly what we both feel right now. 

I learned the value of humility since I was very young. I came from a well-off family; my dad's a great physician and that equates to great income, my mom doesn't work but that's fine because money's enough for all of us. I have never been spoiled by mom even if it's so easy to do. She would give me the things I needed and less for the things I wanted. I remember wanting a Nintendo Game Boy so bad that I would wish for it for every birthday since I was 8 until I was 4th year Highschool that I wanted a PSP instead and yet again they never gave me one. They would give me a bike, a scooter (something like this), doll house or a hand-me-down cellphone in replace of a handheld video game device. My brothers are the ones who always get what they wished for, PSP, DSi, PS3, Wii and all those things. But that didn't really made things worse because I knew right then that I wasn't the favorite. And at the end of it all, I loved the things I got more than those devices that I can get for better versions 10 years after.

I had those moments when I felt really bad about my childhood because I kept comparing them to my brothers. Especially whenever their birthdays come and they get to have what they really wanted. I think I've grown too old for that feeling although sometimes I still feel alienated. But what I really feel grateful of is that mom always made sure that I stick my feet on the ground. I feel as if I'm the poorest kid and yet the richest when it comes to experience. 

What I'm really trying to say is, not only the literally poor people get to experience the real value of humility. It's also a person's choice sometimes. You can brag about money, brag about your new car or house, but where will it lead you anyway?

Humility can take you to many wonderful places. Repair relationships and make new ones. In our family, when I get frustrated over my brother's wrongdoing/s, he will immediately or sometimes it takes a few hours before he says sorry and we're then okay. I always tell them that anger will kill them more so better own up to it and say sorry. Sorry is too mainstream, but it's the only word left to heal a relationship, somehow.

So, for all the days that you've held on and for all the days that you let go, there is always that one reason that made you choose the one or another. Choose the better one, if it makes you happy, if it makes you whole. Choose something that will take you to places you want to, one that requires humility.

Fresh pair of eyes.

C*ap. It's March already. I can hear the graduation hymn just about now and it's oddly one of my LSS's lately. Haha! I don't even know why I have the right to think of 'graduation' when I can hardly finish my thesis. The more I think about so many deadlines, like way way deadly lines coming my way, the more I want to bury myself alive. It didn't really occur to me that I'm about to finish college until March happened. So, for those who are wondering why the heck I'm still typing these down while I have thesis to do, I just want to clear my head for a minute.

...


What I'll miss about college.. True enough, having spent 5 years as a former BS Tourism student in Lyceum of the Philippines to being a father-forced-and-unfortunately-got-accepted Iska ng bayan taking up BA Philippine Arts major in Arts Management is a sure way to say that my messed up College ventures are better than my moronic High School memoirs. Of course, there is a big difference between the two. In High School, you learn the importance of friendship, in College you learn the importance of independence. Although that again does not always apply to everyone. Anyway.

• First thing I'll miss about College, as an Iska, is of course my batchmates. Being a transferee was never easy for me. I remember in my not-so-freshie days how I cannot go out of the house without my cellphone slash mp3 on so as not to feel too alienated from everyone else (although that's exactly how I seemed) and until now I cannot go out without music ringing to my ears. I remember going out of the house wearing a different pair of slippers because going to school seemed like an everyday torment. It was one of my dullest days in my entire 21 years. It is in those days that I felt what it was like to have no one, as in literally no one to be with.

• Friends I made along the way, while I was feeling alone, while I cannot stand going to a class where I can only talk to my head and while I continue to think I'd graduate on my own--they all came into my life sort of slapped my pessimist-self away. 

• I'll prolly miss the epic long walks from CAS to Robinson's. Wow, that's epic-ly shallow. Hahaha! I'll miss my Orgs--UP Musician's Org and my Salinlahi family. Both of these orgs changed the way I see UP students, from their truest feeble-self to the fakest and most obsolete form. 

• In UP, I have met the only person who succesfully brought out the beast in me. The meanest, boldest, not-a-care-in-the-world self that I thought never existed. He will always be remembered for everything. As in, everything. You should know who I'm talking about. 

• I will miss the bus rides I take going to school and back home. There is something about bus rides especially when you gaze out of the window, thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Hopes, dreams and everything in-between, yea, I'll miss those.

• From the evilest, senseless to extremely admirable professors

• My daily/nightly thoughts of what to wear to school the next day. Shoes, too.

• The times I walk on my own not knowing where to go or what to do. Lost.

• From simple coffee to Lipovitan, Red Bull and Cobra.

• The dramas, the hatred and the unsaid words.

• The 'papansin' performances wherein I have consistently failed. :))

• Cats of CAS. :"">

• Thesis qualms. Sleepless nights. 

• Siestas, happiness and good times at Bo's place. (Le boyfriend of mi amiga)

• My one and only boy crush for 3 years. Girl crushes (countless).

So much for clearing my head at this gravely hour. But, I may not be able to do this again for the coming weeks as I strive to finish le thesis. Huhu. Pray for me, please. I wish everyone else, a warm goodluck! Especially for other fellow graduating students, nothing can be done successfully without perseverance and patience.


Here's a lullaby song for your happy sleep. :)

Black valentine

Just when I thought that the overrated VALENTINE'S day would surely stir a lot of sour and bitter emotions inside me, turned out everything will still be okay after all. HAPPY TUESDAY! here are few glances on what happened after I realized that I'm not actually ForeverAlone LVL 

I have one class. After that, I went back and fourth going nowhere. I walked and walked and walked not knowing where I'm going. I wanted to eat, I'm starving. Didn't know who to eat lunch with since le friends are unavailable. I went to caf, and had Crispy Sisig (pork) and ate (seller) made a heart-shaped sauce at the top of my rice (she did that to everyone else :p). I sat somewhere where a girl like me (feeling foreveralone) is also eating the same thing. After a while, a girl approached her and gave her a scroll-like piece of paper (shown in the photo in the middle) and then she also gave me one. I knew for an instant that it was a sort of promotional tactic by some org or whatever. But no. :) It was a letter from God. Yes I swear! :) Haha! loljk. Someone from a 'holy' org probably.

God loves me. :)

After I ate, my friend Aica came and asked me out. HAHA! ❤ we're supposed to eat at Cerealicious, but the uber-gorgeous salesman (saleslady?) was nowhere to be found so we headed to White Hat!

After that, we were invited by certain CAMPers to volunteer on their T-shirt Painting Workshop at the New Camp building. Having nothing else better to do, I joined in with the other chicas!

We taught special/ mentally challenged adolescent/teens to paint on t-shirts and it was so fulfilling. I feel so blessed today, that's it. Nothing else matters, I may have not received any single present today nor did I spend this day with someone I love, I still feel A-Ok because I'm here and God is reserving that one person who will never make me feel less happy again. Spread the love, yo!

Still a kid.

I have no idea how I became this happy for the past few days--well, not until now. This is surreal. No, there's no exaggerating here. Perhaps, I have been too preoccupied with unhappy thoughts that I failed to notice the brighter side of everything. Okay, I've decided to blog about my birthday because I am nonetheless happy. :) This has been the happiest birthday that I've had so far. Even if 1.) My brother, Bradd; the sweetest brother one could ever have, is at a camping in Cavite so he's not here to celebrate it with us. 2.) I HAVE YET TO FINISH CHAPTER 2 OF LE FREAKING THESIS.

Setting all of those aside, January 6 is still the only day in every year that I feel so blessed, even if that is completely not how it's supposed to be. I should feel blessed for everyday that He has given me. But anyway, January 6 2012; my closest college friends didn't greet me at 12 AM or so even if one of them is online and she is deliberately ignoring the fact that it is my birthday. :)))) The best thing about surprises is when you already know about it and the person/people who plans/plan it is/are still insistent on denying about it. :)) But still, I was surprised with their quote, unquote presentation when they gave me this lovely cutey patutee Panduh! :>

For documentary purposes; here is Xiann. :))

"I eat and eat and eat and eat..."

01-06-12

Oh, Starbucks. Three times in a week, not bad. :)) Before I forget, I had a wonderful lunch with le bestest guy in the world (his treat) with the best tita in the world also. :) And after that, I spent more than 2 hours in the CCP Library to gather materials for le thesis. My friend insisted it, of course. Not in my darkest illusions would I ever want to go to a library on my birthday. :)) But, wth, I've so many thanks to that library because I've found so many useful materials. I strongly suggest CCP library to those who are also doing researches about arts and culture. Good job, CCP! Hahaha! After Starbucks, we went to my friend's place and lingered while doing something totally legal for a 21 year old kid like me. I was supposed to have dinner with le fam but sadly mom couldn't make it. SO. -end of story-

January 7 is not the least exciting. Planned to spend the day with my high school girl friends at none other than MOA. Friends surprised me with a cake and a rose. ;) It was the first time that I've ever felt special to my high school friends, hahaha, alright I'm exaggerating, but it totally felt like it was the first time.

Had lunch slash merienda at Bon Chon chicken and afterwards, Starbucks. After that, well, not gonna say. ;) Mom and brothers went to MOA as well. We had dinner at this new restaurant called Hong Kong Cafe (Xing Wang bla bla something) I'm not a good storyteller and I'm not proud of it. So I'm sorry. Haha! :)) I love how this day went, I have considered it as one of my best birthday celebrations so far. I know I have been self-centered in this entry, but please give me this chance to thank all of them for being such true friends for the past I-dont-want-to-count years. Thank you, God, for giving them to me and for giving me another year to live (if 2012 is really not the end of the world)

Hello, presents!

Okay, back to you, le thesis. :|

Two-zero-one-two

Heeeeey hey hey. What brings you here? :) Haha! Want to know about how 'epic' my New Year turned out? Well. The plan didn't work out so good. We ended up driving to SM Mall of Asia at 11:30 PM, to the hopes of having vacant seats in Friday's or the ferries wheel (srsly, my mom really wanted to spend the new year there). Both didn't work out. Some streets were already barricaded and outdoor parking slots were jam-packed.

Other than my useless solo photos, these are my New Year shots with my crazy brother!

We finally settled at the third floor parking lot (still no slots available) at almost 12 AM, we went out of the car and watched the fireworks from there. We marveled on the shallow view of fireworks display from different parts of the metro with another family of three; the taxi driver with his taxi car, his wife and his son, spending the new year in this parking lot with their media noche packed in transparent Tupperwares. Just to say we spent the New Year outside of our vehicles, probably. It's lame, unusual and even pathetic, but it is still a fine way to celebrate it since we were all together anyway.

Today, the first day of 2012 I will remember a certain family meeting. We gathered in our parents' room. Suddenly, bursts of anger came from someone and from another someone. All focused on a certain person who have done many serious mistakes over the past 4 years, (mine's since I was born). Somehow, being able to finally let it out in the open (although this was not the first time), brought some sense of peace and clarity to every party that was involved. I decided to keep still and hold on to my sentiments because after all, I am not the kind of person who makes a situation worse than it already is.

Today, I thank God for giving me a space and air to breathe; a family to keep me warm and secure. Today, I thank Him for always providing for our needs and today I say, no family is ever perfect.

Happy New Year! :)

I dare me to change.

In-between the juggling worries of thesiShit and French lessons I barely understood, here I am planning to do a lot of renovations for my dear, blag. A waste of time worth wasting.

A list of songs per month or whenever I feel like sharing them. These songs will somehow be personal as it also speaks of my current stirring thoughts. Sorry, no download links here. Please download somewhere at your own trusted sites. But the songs are YouTubeable! I've entered the link for your convenience. :>


And tah-duh! Movie-reviews (yes, lame, usual). I've always wanted to do this, btw. Because I've been a movie-junkie since God-knows-when.

Another one I'm truly excited about are Book Reviews!

*Kakaw-kakaw!*(currently rethinking what I've just written above. not sure if everything can be time-allocated) BUT WHATEVER.

And to start off, I wont be waiting for this day to be over to start some renovations and to put some sense to this blag.

Here goes!

Each of the songs listed here is the kind of song that suddenly takes me back to some point in my life where I felt superbly happy or I felt utterly depressed. But I consider these all as beautiful songs that consequently makes me aware of what I've been through and appreciate the present state that I'm in.

♫ My 2011 composed of these songs; (well the songs were not necessarily released this year) ♫

♩ Rhythm of Love - Cover by Clara C & Joseph Vincent
♩ Goodnight Goodnight - Maroon 5
♩ All Fall Down - One Republic
♩ Burnout - Sugarfree
♩ Sana - UpDharmaDown
♩ Secrets - One Republic / Maddi Jane ver.
♩ I Wouldn't Mind - He is We
♩ World Spins Madly On - The Weepies*Check this interpretation vid!*
♩ Strawberry Swing - Coldplay
♩ Broken Arrow - Pixie Lott
♩ Anna Maria (All We Need) - We The Kings
♩ These days - Foo Fighters
♩ Worth Fighting For - Katy McAllister
♩ Somewhere Only We Know - Keane (cover by Natasha Bedingfield)
♩ Make You Feel My Love - Adele
♩ Turning Tables - Adele

I think that's it. Too much is too much, so I'll keep it to that! :D

Chances

I'm stupid. Yes, friends, I am stupid. You all told me the same old things that I begged to disagree most of the time.

How could I not listen to those genuinely concerned friends who told me that life without him is better? How could I just take someone back without even thinking about the consequences?

I'm sorry, friends, best friends, classmates and strangers. You were all so dear to have been with me in times that I needed you most.

I did not even expect that I would still have friends like you despite that I've chosen my own stupid choice.I just want you to know, you, my friend, if ever you are reading this, that your efforts and advises are still with me, still etched in my mind. I'll never forget the words that hurt me and yet contributed to my own sense of growing up. I love you. And I mean every word. And I am sorry if I had chosen to listen to my heart. I'm too scared now. I may not have anyone else to run to because I have been selfish once again. In the end, I know I'm to blame because he hasn't changed for the better. I just learned to accept him for who he is in spite of the pain that it inevitably gives me.I love you, my friend. You will always be the friend I need. Not him. You. :)

Float higher.

Yes. I've been temporarily nonexistent for almost a month now. Sometimes I forget that I own a blog, a world of my own, where I can still pour down my thoughts figuratively down the drain. But for a while that I've been away and focused on reality, there are things that I finally come to terms with.

The past semester, 4th year 1st sem (which ended only a few weeks ago), seemed to have rather forced upon my throat some assertive notions of maturity due to recurring difficulties and incalculable amount of stress that suitably enabled my mind to think differently about life.

Yes, I know. Another clicheic, stupid and shallow sentiments on how I was able to realize that I'm actually growing up and that I am no longer a self-proclaimed disciplined child. Because yes, I can be very childlike most of the time but I beg to differ being childish because there is too much to that word that I don't ever want to remember.

I like how the past five months almost literally killed me. Yes, literally. Because of some unexpected tragedies that I have wisely put up on my own, sarcastically speaking.

It's so hard for me to tell the whole story anymore. Not that I think you're that interested. But the thought of spilling it all again would mean I have to retell series of unfortunate events that I really don't want to remember anymore. I've moved on. I've moved on from the wrong decisions of chasing after a guy that clearly doesn't deserve it but still did, I've moved on from the unacceptable wrongdoings that he did and I've moved on from the idea that a guy will do anything if he does not want to lose you. Because sometimes a person wont do anything just because he or she is busy. A person wont react to anything just because he or she is busy. Believe me, it's possible. Or maybe those are just excuses, I'll never know.

It's the first time that I've visited my grandparents' grave last November 1. We went all the way to Iriga, Camarines Sur just to spend the day on commemorating their passing. The cemetery was of course jam-packed, but there's something about the environment that completely drawn me into it. I don't know how or why but I loved the strange feeling I got while I was there with my family and relatives who are, unfortunately, experiencing a discord that I don't want to meddle with so I refuse to talk about it. It was a realization that the cemetery is our last, final, assuring destination. No one can escape the grave, unless you're a vampire or something. Not disregarding also the notion of heaven and hell, but the fact that our physical self will eventually turn to ashes still scare me sometimes. But there is, however, peace. Peace and calmness that overwhelmed me while I was there.

For days that I have spent with my family and relatives, I found out that I have so much blessings to be grateful for and so much life lessons to take in.

They say money is the root of the evilest ways. Yes, dear. It is. But it can also be a root for the kindest ways only if it is not taken for granted much like the others.

One thing I've learned from my trip to Bicol is that money and blood don't go well together. Yes, helping one another is kind and generous, but you see, not everyone knows what gratitude is for and now that I know about that, I thought that being wealthy in terms of financial capability has its downside that can totally wreck a relationship or even a life. Sometimes I wish time can replace money, like you know, the film 'In Time', I have yet to watch that. :)

Bye for now.

XOXO :))