Looking back on the old dark road

There was a period in my life when I thought survival was an impossible route. This was when I was doing an individual thesis almost a year ago. I knew how crucial this was because without it, I would not have graduated on time and it will really suck to graduate with people I barely know. Second sem started around November and it was so important that one should have his/her own topic already. Lucky me, I didn't pursue my initial thesis proposal that I hastily did on my previous semester. I started from scratch; researched, read, wrote, read, prayed, aimlessly stared at the walls, crammed & almost killed myself for not having a decent, pragmatic topic. I came across Buling-buling Festival while I was taking up another major and decided to use it since it's: 1.) Nearby (Pandacan, Manila) 2.) It was interesting because I was a festival-virgin, I never attended any sort of dance ritual in my life. 3.) Lots of other PhilArts majors did almost the same thing. 4.) I know what I needed to do.

It's an easy topic, kung tutuusin. But when I started researching late December (yes I was that late), I realized how difficult it was and how crucial it is to know what you're aiming for and to really find time to do things out of the ordinary. I didn't only depend on libraries (emphasis on the libraries) around Manila, I went to Pandacan almost every week to research about the place and find people whom I can literally shame myself to pieces just to ask about their festival. I went to different elementary schools, did a lot of interviews and surveys and went to the festival day itself. I was so grateful because the people in Pandacan were genuinely nice and approachable. Imagine just approaching a stranger and conducting an on-the-spot interview (with a formal consent paper, of course) phew!

These are just 2 of my interviewees (there's actually around 8 of them) 'cause I did not take pictures with the others because they wanted me to respect their privacy. hehe! Indeed, it was the most exhausting, desperate and tormented days of my life, whenever I remember going to Pandacan on my own without knowing where to go or who to approach, I remember the fear and panic I feel whenever I step out of the jeepney and feeling so lost and incredibly stupid. In the end, the challenges and the risks I took with my own blood and tears (bucket and bucket of tears) just to finish my goddamn thesis--all effin worth it. So if anyone else out there wants to continue what I've started (the last person who did a study about Pandacan/Buling-buling was on the year I was born) you can send me an e-mail or go to UP Manila CAS Library (well I'm not sure if they placed it there, though) HAHA.

I made this post because I realized I was never really able to express what I've gone through during those bloodyhell days. Maybe I was too preoccupied when I only wrote a blog post about the event itself and didn't talk about the details. Today I recall the things that happened to me for those days that I almost stopped believing in myself. Not only did I experience the hardships of finishing this thesis, I was also experiencing usual but rather tragic domestic problems that I cannot just tell anyone. I remember doing the thesis at the hospital, coffee shops, friends' houses, at the car, at an empty house until morning (I was literally sleepless throughout the last deadline week and did not sleep at the night before the day of my defense!). So piece of advice: DO NOT PROCRASTINATE YOUR THESIS. haha well if you're good at it, then do it. :)

I kept everything to myself even when everything at home seems to be falling apart. God saves and he did. For those days that I thought prayers wont ever change anything---well it did. So for those who are also experiencing difficulties right now, hmmm, I can't tell you anything more than being positive is the key.

Truth is, nothing worth having comes easy. :)