Everyday for the past year, I have been nothing but a weightless paper being carried away by wherever the wind takes me. I didn't care about anything but myself. For months and months, nothing was ever more crucial to me than to hold on to the hope that the wind would stop taking me with it, hope that it stops giving me false hopes, hope that it would let me go, let me fly on my own.
There are still days that I ask myself, are you okay?
Then of course I'd answer yes, very much.
2 months ago, I finally stopped lying to myself. I stopped crafting my own make-believe stories that things will get better; that my seemingly hopeless relationship will eventually turn out to be the happiest I've had. But no it isn't and it hasn't been for the past countless months of torment and bewilderment. Every day I go home from work, looking out the bus window and would incessantly ask myself, what's wrong? why aren't you happy? why the sad songs?
I wasn't fully sure why I can't give myself the right answer or maybe I was pretty much content with the questions. Perhaps I refused to face the answers I already have in my head because if I do I would face the most fearsome risk of losing the person I love. Too many risks, I say. Eventually I realized, if I stayed fearing the risks, I would ceaselessly bombard myself tortuous questions that will kill me every day. The will to face the answer to all my questions was not a split-second decision. It took more than a day, more than a week, more than a month, more than a year. Hindi madali ang bumitaw sa isang bagay na napakaimportante para sayo, na pakiramdam mo e, ikamamatay mo kapag nawala sayo. I loathe the fact that it took a long time for me/us to face the truth na hindi tayo para sa isa't isa.
Every now and then I look back on our years together, I think of how we met 5 years ago, that odd spark we felt when you asked for my birthday-- how funny it was that I'm only 4 days older than you are. We hid our romantic shit from everyone because it's what I wanted and I just didn't want to put a label on what seemed to be a stable relationship between two young lovers. As years pass us by, we fight endlessly, we laugh and cry hard together, we learn new things and bore ourselves to death just by being together. We go around in circles of breaking it off and falling back to each other again and again and again and again... We hurt ourselves every so often sometimes for senseless and trashy reasons. Now when I think about all those times that I was a pain in the ass, I wanted to hit my head on the wall. But then again, nothing can be done with the past, I believe that in each moment that we fought roughly through the hard times, we learned more about what really mattered most to us--our selves.
I wish someday you'll find it in your heart to forgive my weakness and my strength of letting you go. I finally swallowed the answers to my questions-- that I wasn't happy because you weren't, you never were for the longest time and other cliche' reasons that I won't say anymore.
There are moments that I think of you and our dark moments together, only because it keeps me grounded, it reminds me that life is composed of fleeting moments that we can only be grateful for in the end. That every beautiful moment will eventually turn into one ugly truth. But I'm not bitter nor sad nor angry anymore. I have learned to accept that our 5 years together was all worth my time and sacrifice. I hope you remember our story whenever you're lonely and hopefully it'll lit up some of your dark thoughts once in a while.
Every now and then I look back on our years together, I think of how we met 5 years ago, that odd spark we felt when you asked for my birthday-- how funny it was that I'm only 4 days older than you are. We hid our romantic shit from everyone because it's what I wanted and I just didn't want to put a label on what seemed to be a stable relationship between two young lovers. As years pass us by, we fight endlessly, we laugh and cry hard together, we learn new things and bore ourselves to death just by being together. We go around in circles of breaking it off and falling back to each other again and again and again and again... We hurt ourselves every so often sometimes for senseless and trashy reasons. Now when I think about all those times that I was a pain in the ass, I wanted to hit my head on the wall. But then again, nothing can be done with the past, I believe that in each moment that we fought roughly through the hard times, we learned more about what really mattered most to us--our selves.
I wish someday you'll find it in your heart to forgive my weakness and my strength of letting you go. I finally swallowed the answers to my questions-- that I wasn't happy because you weren't, you never were for the longest time and other cliche' reasons that I won't say anymore.
There are moments that I think of you and our dark moments together, only because it keeps me grounded, it reminds me that life is composed of fleeting moments that we can only be grateful for in the end. That every beautiful moment will eventually turn into one ugly truth. But I'm not bitter nor sad nor angry anymore. I have learned to accept that our 5 years together was all worth my time and sacrifice. I hope you remember our story whenever you're lonely and hopefully it'll lit up some of your dark thoughts once in a while.
We are one hell of a story.
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