Just because.

It's been so long since I last let words come out of my head. For the past months, I've somewhat believed that whatever I say, words will be immensely scattered, words will never be enough, words will often go misunderstood. But I know I should stop letting myself succumbed by the fear of being misunderstood 'cause I can never please everyone.

Words that you will read from hereon are scattered pieces of thoughts I've kept to myself, so expect blur.

This year started quite decently good, I've had a lot of ups and frequent downs. There were times I can't stop being grateful for all the blessings pouring down on me and times I just want to pause and kill myself. Life has always been good at freaking out the incredibly bipolar shit in me. Anyway, I'm still genuinely happy for the things I get to experience--good or bad--throughout this year.

There are people who started calling me names and these are times I can't picture who I really am anymore. I have unexpectedly heard and seen the worsts descriptions of myself from the perspectives of those who never even got in touch with me. All I have to say is that I always accept criticisms as long as they are constructive and based on proofs. For the past months I also learned to cut people out of my life. Considering that I am the one usually being cut-off, this is particularly brand new. I felt that if my effort will not suffice to have someone stay, then that's it. People come and go anyway.

I've long been injured by the things he did and I still continue to bang my head on the wall as I continue this journey choosing him over and over. I know it should've been over, but I can never stop myself from pursuing the spark of hope I still have in me. So I continue to fight and brave the uncertainties that are out to get me. Every mistake he did was all a subtle backfire for all the recklessness I did for the past five years. I never claimed perfection. I never said I was perfect. That's why I want to believe that I'm doing the right thing, not only for us, but specially for myself.

You, you're not the only second choice for him. I am also a second choice. We both know who he really wants and that's neither one of us. I was the hardest and easiest choice for him. I hate you for who you think you are. I hate that you still feel the slightest hope, 'cause you shouldn't, we both are just second choices.

For those people who thought poorly of the choices I make, thank you. For you indirectly taught me to accept my own defeats and expect the worst out of everyone. It is not everyday that I learn about myself but because of all the names I've been called, it gave me a chance to see myself better through other people's blurry eyes.

I will continue to fight for this. I will continue because it's the only choice that'll make me sleep soundly at night and get my ass up everyday. It's the only choice I am so willing to do. And again, it's the only choice. I'll never be the first choice nor the last for him. But I have seen love and relationships in so many angles. I've seen passion and hopelessness in my own roof everyday for the past 22 years. It is never an easy battle. You give and you take nothing. You take and you give nothing. It will almost often hurt, often misleading. It is what it is and it's just beautiful.