Worry and Lonely.

Capricorn’s sunday horoscope tells exactly how I feel everyday; that “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you nowhere.” Worry is like my daily habit whenever I lay my sensible thoughts on one corner and wander along the brims of daydreaming.

It all started when ate Lourdes—our second mother for 7 years—went away to resign as our ultimate “nanay/yaya” and went on to create her own family as well. At first I wasn’t affected, I knew she was just one of those maids who comes and goes; she’s just one of those who are replaceable. Truly the 7-year service we’ve had from her is out of the ordinary, she does everything my mother fails to do. She helps with my brother’s day to day routine—giving them a bath, preparing them for school, taking them to school, preparing their baon’s, then in the afternoon she would fetch them if my mother or father wont be able to, and she helps them with their homework’s and everything else that a parent should be the one responsible of. Even the tasks at home, she is the best housekeeper; she would do everything from the minute details of washing our clothes, preparing our food, doing the dishes and cleaning the house. I remember how I used to fight and scold at her for being so focused on my brothers that she wouldn’t mind whether I eat or not, I surely hate her for that. Until I finally get to realize how a big loss she was, and how selfish I was. Everything in my life right now is abundant with disarray of occurrences, it hasn’t been normal since she left. New maids replaced her, but they were not even the half of what she is. I really regret the times I scolded at her; I wish I could take back all the mean words I said.

Then now, our family is experiencing a big mess. My brothers didn’t go to school this year due to some private reasons. I think they would be venturing on home-schooling, but I totally don’t agree with it anyhow. The house’s a chaos, and everything else is chaotic to my sight.

And the lack of maids really made a big impact in our lives, especially to me. It’s like getting into a new set of education—housekeeping. I admit I was very neglectful when it comes to house chores, I don’t mind anything else but my own mess. Cleaning the house, preparing my own meal everyday, and being an ultimate yaya of my “father”—I don’t know how else I could manage such a life. I can’t even focus well on my studies and now that I’m obliged to be more and more responsible, it’s beginning to boil up inside of me.

Ang hirap kasi talaga. Nakikita mo yung pamilya mo na sobrang hindi maalagaan yung mga sarili nila. Mga kapatid na walang ibang ginawa kundi magpataba at maglaro, mga magulang na hindi kayang magtapon ng sarili nilang basura, at ako na hindi magawang maiwasan ang epekto nito sa’kin. It makes me so desperate to help them, sobrang gusto kong akuhin lahat kung kaya ko.

I hate to see myself being so negative, being so worried. Hay. But that’s what they do to me. That’s exactly what they do to me.