Unsleepable

When I was a kid, I always thought that there is a dichotomy between work and fun. There are two things I learned from being a kid: that playing is something I can do for myself and working is something I do for others or to my parents. We all know that play is fun, and work.. well.. not as fun as play. But it’s not always that play is equal to fun, kids get sudden accidents too, and work isn’t always about work. So how do you combine these two anyway? The hardest challenge that I have never figured out is deciding on what I really want.

How do you figure out what you really want? I mean, if you already have that stable job or stable career, how the hell did you arrive successfully at that point? I have a lot of questions, not only to you or to anybody, but mostly to my God forsaken self. I’m already sailing rather smoothly in the course of three years in college, although there will always be catastrophes and drastic changes, I can already say that I am quite comfortable at my present state. But since I have never been a sufficient daughter to my unusually “great” parents, there will always be a problem.

How did you figure out what you really want? Did you make mistakes at first or you just know it from the start? Did you agree with your parents or guardians? Did you parallel your goals according to your hobbies or interests? Did you seek advices from other people and follow it? Did you like something just because you think it is worth liking? Did you like to be someone you think is good enough for you to be? Did you choose that career just because of the good salary?

I know I’m not the only one having these qualms and fears regarding their future, I know many of us are also anxious or bothered by our own choices, whether we did the right decision or should we take a different road. For the past seven years, I have always wondered what I should or shouldn’t be. Now I know what I shouldn’t be, as long as my life plan doesn’t include low-paying jobs. That’s enough to make my parents happy. Blunt and unfair, but it is the only thing that comes into my head whenever they put me on the hot seat where my only role is to listen while they explain how “concern” they are about my future. They told me the most cliché and corroded sentence in a parent’s handbook—that a parent would do or say what they think is right and best for their child/children, the good thing though, they said the choice is on me but at the same time telling me that only those who listen will be considered the wisest. How stupid of me to not listen, so what choice do I have?

(WARNING: extremely insipid words ahead, skip if you’re happy today)

I’m scared of almost everything, I’m scared because mistakes happen, I’m scared because I don’t want to disappoint my parents of course, I’m scared to make the wrong move, I’m scared because nobody said it would be easy, I’m scared because I might figure everything out way too late, and most of all, I'm scared because I am scared.

Scared, upset and lonely all at the same time, believe me it is possible!

Hanggang ngayong edad kong 'to.. eto pa rin problema ko, bakit kaya? Pasensya. :)

so..

Help?