Bold Star-let

Being trapped between the devil and the deep blue sea is literally and metaphorically hard. Looking back, I know 'ze' boy is best understood, not because I care so much about him, but because he cared so much about me, that I wouldn't think twice about giving him another abject understanding and countless chances. Understanding in a sense that I would be willing to forget what he did and act like he has given me the whole f*cking universe for him to be forgiven. He was just so unlikely to be considered as a random selfish guy based on the fact that he has been there for me since time immemorial. So contrary to the popular belief of equality, I do think that a woman has a higher right to be understood. I don't mean that in an egotistic manner of perception, it's simply my way of concluding that guys have better defense mechanisms. Although it may vary on situation or causes of conflicts, it is always the same reason why I hate one of 'ze' boy's defense tactics---silence.

Silence? Why? Why not tell me what you think? Give me all your s*it, cuss all you want or provide me any crude suggestions on how you want this problem to be solved.

Silence may also be sorted as a vague act of kindness. Ignoring the person instead of bombarding them with utter profanities thus avoiding the tendency of hurting someone else's feelings. May also be a sign of guilt, one may have felt that he or she is the losing opponent. It can also be a sign of fear so the person chooses not to say anything due to the greater thought that uttering may only mean stupidity. I do think that Silence is not for the weak. It is a test of strength holding on to your own grudges and sustaining them for a long time only God-knows-when. No matter what the cause, reason or belief is, I do take it as a part of one's defense mechanism.

Only God knows how strong he is for not minding other people, only himself. I admire and see that as a brand new kind of person that he has turned out to be. For what it's worth, I'm way behind and he's way ahead. But I have my way, I know where I stand and where this decrepit road will lead me. If you're that strong, then I should be stronger. My mother taught me directly and indirectly to be careful to whom I give my worn-out self to, to be careful with limited and conditioned kindness and to collect and select (this is exactly what she told me, but oh, mother I am not that kind of being no matter how hard I try)

Since my hormones are constantly raging & further developing woman-like tendencies, "I want a more mature role"--quoting young and self-driven actors who want a salary raise. Mature enough to understand that I may not have the power of Silence to prove my strength, I know that my scurvy words will give me peace. But I do possess Silence in a sense that I prefer to show genuine apathy than show stupidity over senseless matters.

Becoming a different person once again will test every part of me, every part that keeps me whole. But it is a greater challenge worthy of anything but indifference. It's time for a change. We all need to change, to move, to suffice for another countless unbidden guests.Looking forward on learning how to detest them, not just through cussing nor self-pity, but of course through one of the world's best form of kindness: Silence.