Accept the things I cannot change

There are so many things I want to erase from my life. People I hoped I never had the courage to trust. Actions that mustve left undone. Unfortunately, there is no way I can redo the wrong things, I can only muster the right amount of courage to accept.

I was a stone and cold-hearted person. I take for granted everything a person does that once made me the happiest. I never thought that an equally stone and cold-hearted person can change who I am.

How can you stop yourself from loving someone? Seriously? How can you stop yourself from leaning towards someone who you once thought will always be there to support you?

"Boy who cried wolf"

My friend told me that we were like the boy character in the story. Actually, I thought it was more of what I am. I cried for nothing. I cried for the wrong reasons. I cried because I thought there was something, when there is absolutely nothing.

There were nights that I thought it's going to be the end of my lifelong dream, right when it is still changing, growing, evolving into a more concrete picture of what I want myself to be 10 years from now. Taking him out of the picture is a different story, another change which will grow, evolve and, hopefully, occur. Sometimes it is not the pain that he has caused me that made things worse, it is the certainty that I was the reason for that pain, that I caused him to change and nonetheless take me for granted. I stopped thinking that maybe God hates me for all the wrong things that I have recklessly done in my life. I started thinking that facing life alone is already as difficult as it already is, but I know I can do it, I can do it all over again without some random person to support, to trust and to offer it for. God is here. My family and real friends are here, even if their presence is rarely felt.

Another friend told me to be more mature. I have yet to understand why there's a need for a maturity change. But everyday the thought of it haunts me, it is not something that I can just overlook because he's right, I became naive and impulsive to the point that I even do the things that I know I would soon regret.

This time, it is different. I'm giving up one of the things that made up my lifelong dream. I'm giving up the thought that maybe he's the one, because he is not. I got my first real heartbreak. Not because I don't consider the others. But because this time, my dream had evolved and is more concrete, my dream had certain characters already, not the "I'm settling down with someone who is sincere, honest.. blahblah.. I would have a succesful career and own a house, a car and 2 chihuahuas blabla" I already had names for all these adjectives and common nouns. Sadly I had to change them again into one blurry picture where everything will just be adjectives and common nouns.

I hope he finds his own names and proper nouns to his dream. I know he's there now, slowly patching up the life he has made on his own. Maybe this is another path to escape from. I'll pray. Everyday. Every night, that another path will open up for me. If there's nothing, I will build that path on my own, and hopefully make it the right one.

I found myself today,
Oh I found myself and ran away,
something pulled me back,
Voice of reason I forgot I had,
All I know is youre not here to say,
What you always used to say,
But it's written in the sky tonight

So I won't give up,
no I won't break down,
sooner than it seems life turns around,
and I will be strong
even if it all goes wrong,
when I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe,
someone's watching over me

Seen that ray of light,
and it's shining on my destiny
shining all the time
and I won't be afraid
to follow everywhere it's taking me
all I know is yesterday is gone
and right now I belong
to this moment, to my dreams

It doesn't matter what people say
and it doesn't matter how long it takes
believe in yourself and you'll fly, high,
and it only matters how true you are
be true to yourself and follow your heart