Dull.

Should I ignore that you’re a two-faced bitch or should I bitch-slap you until you get a good look at yourself on a broken mirror? Sometimes it is hard to be a goody-good friend 24/7, not that I am pretending to be one, but that’s who I really am, and it is a problem I continue to struggle with for a long time. I just want you to know; that you need to have yourself checked because your friggin' confidence is way inappropriate.

Insecurity is a chronic disease that continuously affects those who are unsure of themselves. Would this epidemic ever stop? Because in one way or another I am too gets affected. But not all the time. Started on one time when he kept looking at her, and he kept staring at another her, and so on.. and another her.. her.. she. Him looks at her.. and she.. talks to him.. her. And him. Urgh, I’m nonsense.

This day turns out to be one weird yet out of the ordinary. It all started 10:30 in the morning when everything is supposed to be as mundane as possible, first is doing my 10-minute cardiovascular activity (walking) from our house until Uniwide Mall. But this one day, when I was already a few meters away from the crowded bus stop at Coastal, I passed by an empty bus, ignored it and walked on. I hardly noticed that the driver and conductor were trying to talk to me because of my earphones on, yet they followed me enough to notice them, and they asked me if I needed a ride. I said my route was to Lawton and they barely heard me because I was already inside the bus when they told me that their way is to Ayala, and yet they let me ride for free until Coastal.=) What a fine way to escape the burning heat of the sun.

The second bus, which is the real bus I needed, turned out to be a little weird too. It is not the usual jam-packed bus, in fact only about 5 persons were inside. So when I walked in, I decided to sit somewhere I can be alone but there’s this weird old lady (around 50’s) seated at the very front who tapped the empty seat beside her, which made me think that she wanted me to seat beside her, so I did. Weird. I thought she’s going to talk to me afterwards, but she didn’t. I was rather pissed at myself for seating there because I wanted to be at the window side.

The day didn’t turn out to be weird though. The day was the usual mundane. The usual and the forcing-myself-to-be-merry day.

I hate that I could not pull myself together when something needs to be resolved. I have to talk, I have to fight. But I do not want to step on other people’s shoe. I’m a coward. I hate that people around me are just mere acquaintances, I hate that I could not find anyone else (except him) to understand me or rather be at least a friend. Being at this kind of situation makes me think that I shouldn’t look at a glass half-full the way I constantly do that’s why I end up being the loser. It is quite helpful to look at a glass half-empty.

Quote I admired recently:

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. They are the beautiful angels living among us.

— Elizabeth Kubler Ross

That’s why I admire my mom even if at times, she’s as lunatic as I am.