Searching for meaning.

Awooo! I’ve finally succeeded 3 days of being a student again =) Hehe. I was overjoyed when I've got the chance to meet a lot of new girls on the second day! They we’re so nice and sociable, very makulet and matanong, but I really never expected that they would be that nice towards me. All my expectations have suddenly turned into something more appealing and exhilarating, and yet I am still unsatisfied. (Wow! sabay ano daw?)

Yes of course I am utterly blissful, I mean, what more could I ask for? I got classmates who are actually nice and genuine, but truth be told, I am missing the old days. I am missing my old pals, my old classmates, my old seatmates etc.

I am so longing for their company once again, especially Ryan, my guy buddy, he’s the only guy who made me feel really comfortable and one that I could confide to. Right now I am not seeing his funny face anymore, he’s not in school na rin kasi.

Oh well, that is life! =) hehe, and the third day, which is today, was sort of exhausting, 7 AM up to … basta late in the afternoon, haha! (Someone inquisitive will surely read it! I know! Haha! Cant fool me!) And I was feeling a little uptight lately, especially with each recitation, I’ve got a class kanina, Philippine History something, and she asked me what was Treaty of Paris, (believe me, I was so shocked and never expected that she’d call me) and yes, I didn’t get the chance to answer, it was already at the back of my mind, but darn, I couldn’t recall the whole thing. (Stupid)

Yah I know you’re probably laughing right now, hahaha. Well SIMULA PA LANG! hahaha. HINDI AKO PAPAYAG! /LMAO/. Yabang ba? Hindi, nagpapalakas lang ng loob, until now I still find it hard to lift my hand and utter what I have in mind. Grabe. Till now??! Haha!

Last night, when I was about to enter the world of fantasy, my illusions scrambled down & vanished as I was awakened by a quite disturbing phone call. It’s my friend, Joana; she wanted to tell me some things about the current situation of her girlfriend and I. I was a bit uninterested; I mean what for? If her girlfriend wants things to be all right again, all she has to do is to come up to me. I can’t understand why people couldn’t understand! Sobrang parang ako pa talaga dapat na ano.. I mean I KNOW, I know how ma-PRIDE she is and yet I don’t seem to give up my pride either. Sobrang ako yung na-hurt eh, If I wasn’t hurt, If I wasn’t saddened or anything, I would totally come up to her and make things OK between us. But right now, I am sorry, I am sorry because I could not do that, I don’t know why, I don’t know how, pero I think it is my feelings that matter right now. Can’t I think of myself first even for once? Kahit ngayon lang sana hindi ba? Wala namang masama kung iisipin ko muna ung nararamdaman ko bago yung ibang tao?

And *sigh*
I know right now she already has an idea of what really happened, technically because of Joana, and its ok, at least now, she knows.

I am still quite rusty and I hate it, parang HANAH! Wake UP! =) And right now mas naging competitive na, I’m in an all-girls class, I really think that they are all serious with what they’re doing, not like before. Hehe. And yah, basta go pa rin, do what I have to do. It’s just a matter of eagerness and attentiveness with what you really aim in life that really matters and not the people who are striving as hard as you. I mean, nothing can really stop us if we’d just go on with what we want, its still our choice, we our the captain of our soul. (sabi nga sa example sentence ng classmate ko kanina) hehe.

I just need to get back on track right now, and salamat Lord pinakitaan niyo ko ng inspirasyon kanina sa tabi ng MAPUA, sa may pansitan (haha! ang gwapo!) haha! Hanah kalma.. =)

But yah, kahit sobrang tiring and everything, kasi parang I just cant see any sort of thing, person, or situation na pde kong paghugutan ng lakas or inspiration besides my family, (everything that I have before has already faded as you can see or read in my last posts), I’m just doing the best I can right now, I am persistently forcing myself to evacuate the existential vacuum inside of my dreaded soul.



*sigh*