Just within three years, I lost 2 of the most important people in my life for which I will both grieve for the rest of my life. Who would have thought I’d find myself here, alone with a cat that sheds a gazillion hairs? I’m slowly learning that healing is not linear; it comes in various forms and intensities. Sometimes, it surprises you by revealing that you need to start over, while at other times, you feel numb—an experience I wish I had encountered sooner.
Right now, I long for my emotions to quiet down, to take a break from feeling, even wishing I could become just a lifeless being, devoid of pain. It’s ironic that the person you expect to protect you can also be the one to throw you recklessly into the wild, leaving you vulnerable. And once you're vulnerable enough, they'll shatter you more.
I wish the world would pause, if only for a moment, so that others could see how much I’m hurting. For what reason? I really don't know. Perhaps I think it might help me heal. I’ve explored various paths to recovery, diligently following each one, yet I still struggle to find meaning in it all.
Maybe—just maybe—there’s a solution I haven’t yet discovered. Perhaps my nervous system will eventually untangle itself from the past more swiftly than I anticipate. I dream of fast-forwarding to a time when the pain is no longer here. It’s something I wished for when I was 15, but that feels like such a waste now, doesn’t it?
Am I just a waste?
Why didn’t I recognize this sooner? Why didn’t I prevent it from happening? I understand, of course, that not everything is within our control.
But for all its worth, I knew this outcome was a possibility; I just didn’t expect it to hurt this much.
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