Exit wounds

If words can fit inside a physical object, mine would definitely require about a hundred spaceships that I would gladly let out into the void. While I try not to let these words bleed outside the comforts of my head, I know that the perfect timing is right at this moment--while I'm all alone on a Thursday night, sipping on a semi-hot chocolate (decided no alcohol tonight) surrounded by pillows, sheets and pile of clothes I have yet to arrange. A month has passed since I bid farewell to my perfect job of 2 years. My first job that enabled me to be as human as possible after graduation. The job that molded me into who I am right now--in the midst of the semi-fictitious quarter-life crisis. Not a single day that I don't miss going to work, including the excruciating commute to and from workplace. But like every single good thing in our lives that must come to an end--such as devouring a slice of pizza--I decided to take a risk. After 2 years of great experiences, I let go of my first job. The quitting part played around my head for a good 4 months. Then came outside opportunities.. And just like trying to let go of a toxic relationship, sometimes the easy way out is finding and standing by your best exit reason.

I thought I have made the right choice, I thought I found a different path armed with a different persona that I could pretend to be next. After perfectly weighing every fruit that was handed out to me-- suddenly, without warning, all that I had already imagined were sliced off into a hundred pieces like some fruit ninja decided to play tricks with my life. 

Damn my innocence and bound to fail emotionally-inclined decision-making skills. I thought God handed me the great exit reason. But I know He did. He really did. He has given me all the options in a matter of 2 weeks. All options were surreal, as if all the Gods (that I never prayed to) have decided to pour me all those shimmering blessings only to take them away because I didn't choose the right one. I would not consume this post with too much details about the reasons on how I--the supposedly smart woman that my parents tried so hard to raise--cleverly messed up my life by choosing the wrong fruit.

I decided to "move on" if I really am in any way "moving on". 

I have found different ways to distract myself, doing things I've always wanted to do but couldn't because of the restrictions of my previous job. I've learned to prepare slightly edible dinner/lunch for my family, watched all seasons of Breaking Bad (and mourned afterwards), played Play Station 4 games, finished Stephen King's Carrie that has been by my bed side for almost a year, I also messed up with my watercolor sketchpad (which I actually bought 6 months ago) and heck I even created a photo blog-- basically I have said yes to every possible means to divert my attention. In 2 months I was able to go to 5 different places (4 local and 1 international), with only a few weeks/days apart! So how's that for a meaningful distraction?

The thing is, even if I do enjoy every single aspect of this wondrous sense of "freedom" slash "funemployed" opportunity that I also underwent 2 years ago, I cannot deny the fact that when the noise and fun fade in the picture and tranquility sinks in, I sit here, with my chin down dwelling on my past mistakes and the seemingly endless cycle of what if's. 

I believe we all have been here. When suddenly life throws you out into situations you either expected or never imagined to be in. Sometimes you get stuck thinking and blaming yourself for failing at your own expectations. "This is a great opportunity for you to re-think about what you really want!", they say. You use those words to keep you going, to float on from the strong gravitational pull of regrets. Because you do know what you wanted, you do imagine what you can become and what you can possibly achieve, it's just that there's something within you that always confuses you. Whatever that is, I believe that we can make good use of these setbacks to plunge ourselves up from the hole we've dug ourselves. There's no easy way out of this, no road maps, no google searches. All we have are ourselves and the unceasing energy to have a steady control of our lives and our own thoughts.

This is my first post for this year and I would like to dedicate this to the company who I considered as my great exit reason but who briefly took away my trust in humanity. With your overwhelming cockiness, I've put so much meaning into my mid 20s and how my calculation of risks are almost always wrong but almost always worth it.