Love what loves you

I sometimes consider myself cursed for being the oldest amongst 3 brothers and the only daughter. For one, being the only girl will only mean stricter rules, i.e., proper clothing that supposed to make you look like a real virgin, smothering curfews.. blah blah, by the mother and most specially by the father. And by being the eldest, I think this does not only apply to me, will mean that the word "responsibility" will be my most loyal follower until my darkest grave and finally have my soul rest in solemn peace. 

Responsibility. I never understood that word until recently. And it still tortures me every nanosecond of everyday, but the results are truly life-changing. In fact, I've become most certain of these responsibilities I now consider monsters that will either follow me 'til the end or swallow me alive anytime. And these monsters are not that easy to confront considering how well they murder every emotional cells that I still luckily possess. Sometimes though, I befriend these monsters in a way that I pretend that they're just stupid clowns and pretty little butterflies. But it is not always the way I imagined them to be if I have to come to my senses. I know they will always be horrible and utterly greedy. They will suck every bit of happiness out of you, absorb all your joyful memories and put you in a dark and scary abyss like bloodsucking dementors. 

If you're not in the same place as I am, maybe you'll never understand. You're probably the youngest; the most cared about, most sheltered and free of responsibilities except you may have experienced belittlement from your older sibling/s. Don't worry. Your ate/kuya loves you. He or she is probably not very good in saying or showing that, but they do, I swear. You may be the middle child. Disturbed. Probably over-confident and unashamed to be different and standout from the rest because you know you are free of stereotyping. Except the way I'm describing middle children right now, it's still stereotyping. I have yet to understand middle kids, they are always in-between the way they are. Or eldest--Hmmm. Now, tell me what your parents told you to be?

If I had to bear all these monsters with me forever, then I shall stop expecting that my life will be better. Even if I know it will. Maybe? Unless some sort of a miracle from UP there should turn me into a stone. 

If things will really be okay, then it should've been years ago. But it hasn't. And it never will. Responsibilities will be forever an enemy to befriend; accept and love even if scarcely lovable, perhaps at times likable and hardly ever senseless.