Define the Undefined.

I walked ahead a gloomy street with such despair and an indeterminate burden. I never thought it could be this heavy, this baffling, this hazy undefined feeling of anguish. I walked my way through the indistinct darkness and saw a poor old man sitting on the filthy sidewalk with a plastic cap on his hand. I instantly searched my pocket for money and dropped a 5-peso coin. It was an empty cap, just like how he situated himself as an old man with no hope and buoyancy. I passed through a guy and a girl with hands-locked with each other. I didn’t know what I felt that time, am I irritated? Envious? Or just simply nothing. I kept going until I was about to pass in-between them, but no they did not let go of each other’s hands nor perceive that I was behind them. And I was left with no choice but to walked my way beside them.



The next day, I walked again at a street with heavy rain and uncontrollable chilliness. I was dripping wet and had no umbrella with me. I stopped at a nearby tree and wiped my wet skin and face. I walked again and relished the rain. I knew I was feeling so cold but still I took pleasure with the unruly weather. I saw a group of 3 guys ludicrously sharing one umbrella. One guy said “Ms payong oh!” I was excessively deaf to even notice that they we’re talking to me while I passed through them. Too deaf to even hear that a policeman was also asking me to shade myself for a while.


But no I wasn’t deaf; I was consciously letting myself feel the coldness. I wanted to feel numb, feel nothing but my mind controlling me. I wanted everything to be as normal as it was when I was 8 years old. I wanted to forget what just happened to my once a happy realm. I know I have nothing to be sad about; it’s just this feeling of undefined misery. Undefined, mysterious, and unexplainable.


But then I know there’s a thing that keeps on knocking my mind. I fear that I may never let it in but then eventually it does. It shattered my obscure definition of emptiness. It snapped me back into reality. I was overwhelmed and satisfied. But it was weird, unforeseen truth.



I need and seek someone. Someone who’s brave enough to walk with me hand-in-hand in a street with no distinct view, someone who knows how to hold on and when to let go. Someone who believes that there’s still hope even with an empty cap.



I seek and never found someone, someone who’s willing to lend his/her ears, willing to listen and to understand, someone sensitive enough to feel the coldness that exists between us, and someone who will run with me through the rain, cold and wet, yet still chooses to abide with me.


However, someday someone may always be willing to stay until the last day of life. But at some point they might seem to exceed the patience of waiting. Waiting for them to understand, appreciate, and compromise. But then again will you be fearless enough to let the patience go? Or hold on to it much further?