I wrote this blog post because I'm not Taylor Swift.

My almost empty and dysfunctional brain will try its best to speak of things that can be classified as dwindling sanity. One month had passed since I started experiencing the biggest break of my life, and oh, the biggest break for my dysfunctional brain. Thank you, God for this opportunity. It has only been a month and yet it felt almost forever. Series of unexpected events come running down my life as if the past year's surprises aren't enough to scare the hell out of me. I'm too scared now, I suppose. Too scared that I may not make it out this time. That maybe I've been too focused on what's here and now than on what's up ahead. But that's not so wrong, isn't it? Some would agree that it's better to live in the present and make the most out of each day. Guess this "living in the present" would take a long while.

In a month, these are the things I'd like to put away, at least for now. These may all sound very confusing, sorry I cannot speak straightforwardly as a lot of you would want.

Mistakes. Lies. Shortcomings. Impatience. Intolerance. Carelessness. Indifference. Oh what a month it has been for us. What a month of roller coaster rides of pain and happiness. I must admit that it has already been a habit of mine to delete blog posts whenever I felt that the words I say do not mean anything after a while. Now, this is what I'm going to say as final and as a preamble for another chapter.

If I hadn't met you, my world would probably be so much better and secure; I would not have anyone else to think of but my family, myself and our laundry. I would not have anyone else to say sorry to, to say genuine thank you to and to say forever to. Then there you are, once gone, now.. gone. You've proven yourself as the best, best, best friend one can ever have. You have shown me the best of both worlds of agony and content. I've taken so much from you, your time, your patience, your efforts and your love. Your love that continuously quenched my thirst for love. More than my brothers, you are the only guy that can make me shut my self in and come back out once again. Despite what everyone else is telling us, we've fought through, year after year, December after December. No matter how difficult or how painful it was. We compete all the time on who gets to break the chain of repetitive occurrences. And finally, you won. Dear, you won. I lost because I don't know why. I don't know why and I don't know how. But I felt that I lost this fight because I lost you. None of these would've happened if I didn't screw up. But you know, I never gave you up and I never would have. Not since I realized that losing you will always be at the bottom of my list and the very last option. And now I know that it was that easy for you to put that on top.

Whatever reasons you may have for not staying, it is understandable for me because, as cliche as this sounds, your happiness is my happiness, too. Sometimes whenever I'm having a hard time moving on, I think about the song you sing for me to sleep (even if it was only forced singing). I think of how we started, three years ago, when the campus' halls bore witness of our growing fondness for each other. You were there whenever I needed you even when I didn't. You were so much more than I expected you to be, so much more than I ever hoped for. No one in this world will ever really know how incredible you were to me. No one. No one but me.

But as change is the only constant thing in the world, years go by so easily that our environment  and our perspectives have to change drastically in so little time. Ups and downs, ups and downs. Seemed never ending. One has to change for another. Promises were broken one by one. There is simply nothing else (that you would be interested of) to say but, thank you. For the years you have shared with me. For the love that I needed and wanted. For simply having me in your life. It was more than a blessing to have you for once in my own little tragic life.

If you would ask me how I'd remember the years I had spent with him, I would simply say that it was the best ride of my life. I think part of moving on is accepting that the person will be happier without you, day after day, you have to tell yourself that he/she's gone. For so many petty reasons that I hold on to for me to forget him, there's never an enough one to grasp just so I can quietly sail away. It's going to take an enormous amount of strength to forget what has been and what will never be.

This is so overly-dramatic. I'm sorry. So far, the most humiliating post I had to write. And If he will not see this, ever, then it is better. Because as far as I know, he's probably having the time of his life right now. And I should be happy to know that.

Goodnight, earthlings.